THE JOYS OF EASTER
Brian James Lewis
Hey! It’s Easter! A time of renewal, cleansing, and candy! Oh yeah, that’s what’s on your mind! Especially if you are a young person who’s the right age for Easter egg hunts! This is nearly as good as Halloween and you don’t even have to go knock on any doors. Every store you walk into has those fun displays of chocolate Easter bunnies that are stacked just right to catch the eyes of hopeful little guys and gals. You can’t help but smile at these cutely packaged treats and dig those names! “Happy” “The L’il Professor” “Sunny” All made of delicious and nutritious “chocolate flavored candy.” Yum!
Wait, what? Isn’t chocolate flavored candy just chocolate with a snazzy name? Right here at the department of Easter candy consumption, we like to know what we’re eating, so I did a little research. You’re welcome! Okay, so if you read the ingredients carefully, it turns out that the majority of cheap holiday chocolate is made out of stuff that pretty much amounts to, um…WAX! Fortunately, it’s food grade wax (not melted crayons) that is safe for human consumption. They color and flavor it with cocoa, press it in molds and voila! Holiday treats! In short, unless you shell out for stuff that is labelled chocolate, you’ll be consuming what amounts to chocolate flavored suppositories. Yum! Well at least constipation will not be a problem!
Easter for adults isn’t quite as exciting as it is for kids. So unless you are helping out with the Easter egg hunt this year and eating brown wax, you’ll be standing out on the lawn with Dad, Uncle Joe, and maybe Grandpa having an adult beverage and a smoke. There will be discussions of such important topics as whether or not your lawnmower will start this year. That’s one of the major springtime rituals for most home owners, regardless of gender. But for some reason men seem to talk about it more. How much analysis is required? You just yank on the starter rope and curse angrily until your arm breaks or someone points out that there isn’t any gas in the tank. If nothing else, it’s definitely a good excuse for drinking.
Other important spring time tasks are getting the grill going and nearly burning the porch down when all the grease left from last year ignites. Along with my favorite, putting out all the lawn furniture so that giant birds can crap on it. These birds are not the robins, who have the useful purpose of announcing spring. No, I’m talking about giant crows who not only disfigure lawn furniture, but also drop large pieces of half-eaten food in our yard. Without warning, a slice of pizza will plummet out of the sky and land sticky side down on the dog. That’s nice for him but often disgusting to observe. The bonus is that no cleanup is required and you get a happy dog at the end. The hard blobs of smelly white filth on the furniture make no one happy and can only be removed by renting an industrial power washer when company comes. If you are cheap, you can just reserve the worst chairs for people you don’t like very much. “Here you go, Uncle Mike! Have a seat right here! What’s that, you’re leaving? Okay then! Happy Easter!”
But, before you can get on to the high festivities of the holiday of ham, bunnies, chicks, and springtime. The re-birthing of the entire world, if you will. You have to go shopping for all the stuff required. Yep, lucky for you, you’re going to the supermarket! Damn it!
It doesn’t matter which one you walk into, because they’re all pretty much the same. Adults pushing carts grimly along while children hang onto the sides and yell navigational directions at them. This is because the adults can’t see over the huge mound of the comestibles that they’re wheeling in a wobbly old cart. “Watch out for the old guy bent over the oranges! Oops, too late!”
The old people are far from innocent though. They are the worst rammers and cart crashers out there. Mostly it’s because their brains are still at home, probably on the toilet. Meanwhile they’ve driven five miles to the store, parked the car on the sidewalk, and entered the building pushing a large shopping cart in a randomly distracted fashion. They whip around each corner on autopilot while talking loudly on their cell phones about unimportant things.
“I have a RASH on my ASS!” An older woman in front of me shouts while completely blocking the bread aisle. Well good for you, M’am! Now stop showing off and get out of the way. Just as I manage to slither around her, WHUNK! I get T-boned by an ancient old fellow who is draped over his cart like a corpse. For a moment, he just stands there not moving a muscle and I fear the worst. Then with a fierce look in my direction and a disgusted, “Huh!” He wheels away, destroying an Easter candy display that he doesn’t even see because he’s busy looking at the floor again.
To make up for the grumpy, destructive folks, there are the sorry people. They go around the store shouting, “Sorry!” in a very apologetic manner at people they aren’t even bothering. Wait, let me rephrase that. At people they weren’t bothering until they came zooming towards them briskly and yelling apologies into their startled faces. Which causes many of them to go into cardiac arrest right on the spot.
“Let’s see here…bread, milk, eggs and…”
“SORRY! SORRY! SORRY!”
“Ahhh! My heart…” Clunk!
See what I mean? Maybe they’re just sorry they didn’t hit your cart or slam you into a hard, unyielding object. Well, regardless of all these potential bumps in the road, I hope you and yours enjoy a wonderful Easter. Me? I’ll be power washing my chairs.